I was born an imaginative being with a deep connection to the unseen.
I have always been so inspired by the Pre-Raphaelites and their magic dreamy art. There was a time when I was really hooked on the book ''The mists of Avalon'', by Marion Zimmer Bradley, in combination with the movie ''Excalibur'' from the 80s and the music of very early Cocteau Twins, Kate Bush, Joni Mitchel and Sally Oldfield.
I used to practice a lot of ''magical'' art myself. I loved to dive into the intuitive stream of energy, which is I think a natural event for artists. It was the 90s and esoteric crafts were booming. I deepened and schooled myself into aura reading and healing, channeling, and bio-energetic healing, tarot cards hand reading, intuitive reading and became a certified healer reader and therapist. I even had a time where I worked as a Witch in the entertainment business, (good money, bad energy!). Bio-resonance, encounter groups by Osho, extra terrestial demi-gods and their hierarchies, science and quantum physics string theory and psycho therapy, all reflected my deep search for more, for the truth the source of it, something to explain all the suffering, and the hope for a purpose and a meaning. It was all so fascinating and the path endless. It still is.
The world of spirituality is huge and there are many path to go on it. Each method has a promise of relieve and self empowerment. The message always is, you create your own reality. I believed in it. If only become a better creator, then my life would be so much better.
After a path of 20 years of searching and working so hard,
in short, I am done with it. I went to millions of Satsangs, seen all super star enlightened beings, I spend my money on them, bought their books, Cd's, did their workshops, I broke myself emotionally, physically and put my soul on the poker table of enlightenment.
You can never do it!
I slaughter the holy cow of self empowerment,
of free will
of getting more and
being a better me.
I slaughter the holy cow of
'' If you only would, then you could'',
I slaughter the holy cow of spirituality.
My mind tricks me into this game again and again.
The only problem is the me. It needs this to perpetuate it selves.
If you see the Buddha, kill him it is said.
What is left?
The beauty or the ugliness
of this moment.
No more no less.
This is where I am at.